For as long as I can remember it seems like I’ve been going through my life with my eyes squeezed shut, not having the courage to really look at what’s going on around me or the choices or the decisions that I’ve made and that I have to make. Well I just opened them for a brief second and I am disgusted at what I’ve seen of my life.

I have no real friends except for my mom but, she’s my mom! There are just some things I can’t tell her because she gets all motherly and tries to, tries to….well be a mother. I used to have a best friend but now that I look at it, it was more like she was a follower of sorts, the only person I could boss around, I guess I don’t know anymore. The people who are my “friends” feel more like acquaintances, like they are always judging me or doing something behind my back or just don’t understand. I had a couple of good friends but the friendship didn’t last very long I guess I scared them away. I know how this sounds but it is truly how I feel this very second… alone. So extremely alone it is freaking me out! I ache from the inside out and I can’t seem to stop crying! Like maybe there isn’t anyone out there for me friend or lover, or like I’ve done something so wrong somehow and just don’t deserve someone.

And my boyfriend! HA!!! What am I going to do about him. It’s like I’ve been put in limbo and I can’t tell him how I feel about him, I can’t tell him that I love him because he won’t feel the same way and leave me or just say ok and sit there. I can’t go another year being with someone who I love and won’t return my feelings because he is too scared to get hurt again. So he keeps his heart locked up tight and doesn’t share with anyone. And because of this I’m going insane doing the same fucking thing every damn day. I can’t even say the word around him or he stiffens, and waits for someone to say anything about anything other than the topic of love. When I meet someone who attracts me so much I hang around them every chance I get, I surround my world by them. And then when my feelings get strong enough I abandon my world and jump into theirs. I feel like he is just ok with me being there, that he feels nowhere near as much as I feel for him, that’s why I’m doubting myself like I’m not good enough, I’m not what he really wants. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants either; I just don’t know he doesn’t tell me anything.

I’m so scared that I’m just settling for what I have right now. Like is he really the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with? What if in 10 years (if him and I are still together then) a person comes a long and I get that feeling that I read about all the time in books, that one feeling that you see in movies. For some reason I can’t just believe that this is really the best kind of love, all this doubt and confusion. Is something that is supposed to feel so beautiful hurt this much?

mood: surprised music: Daft Punk